One for the road...

What might a Jesus follower see/feel/think/experience..?

HT to Rach who has posted this 'poem' originally from Purpose Driven Life.  I can see how some Christ followers would see/experience those words and maybe that is because they are ahead of me.  As I recently commented elsewhere i value honesty so for me at the mo i'd say, that:

I look at...

death and marvel at the gift of life,
losing and look for a glimemr of hope in the darkness
tragedy and feel aching sad unfairness,
brokenness and think humility,
accidents and thinks we live in a world where shit happens,
coincidence and thinks mmm maybe,
despair and think how can i be comfort,
poverty and think how can i be justice,
wealth and think how much more could i give,
failure and thinks how can i be grace,
the seen and sometimes thinks wow,
history and thinks maybe after 2000 yrs we should [really] try to practice the radical reconciling revolutionary redemptive kingdom of God,
science and thinks gratefully about anyone who asks questions, who seeks and explores the mysteries of life,
psychology and thinks there are deeper stories and darker shadows in us all,
anthropology and think what it means for us all to be made in God's image,
astronomy and think God's wild creative excess,
the human body and thinks God's desire for us to experience full humanity,
war and thinks our enimies are not each other but the darkness that wars within us and the unfair power systems/structures the war against us,
the cross and thinks love, suffering, service as the way to embrace and heal a hurting world,
Liberation and think Jesus...

Your thoughts...

• What do you think/experience/feel as you read these words? 
• What stands out for you? 
• Where do you find yourself feeling the same or feeling different?

Restoring my humanity: personal experiences of Jesus as the way/truth/life...

Yesterday I reflected on some of my thinking why Jesus is the way not only for me to find God but also to become fully human.  Today I'd like to explore that by looking at some of my life and  how for me Jesus has helped me become not just more human but a better human in terms of my work, marriage, my sexuality etc...

My way or Jesus way?

The way of Jesus for instance was the way of self sacrifice and death, through torture.  Watch Mel Gibson’s The Passion and it all comes home in glory/gory filled technicolour.  To see someone die with such dignity and compassion in the face of such suffering and injustice is a calling to aspire high above my immediate life goals/desire for a way of gadgets, gizmos and carefully collected knowledge. 

It is a way that I have often wandered off as well.  The low point of this journey came just over 6 years ago. 

I had gone through a patch of being wildly successful at work, given increased responsibilities for key clients and a higher wage packet I plunged myself into work, dreaming of the day when I would become a partner in the firm of auditors for which I worked.  Long hours and such dreams of more success and money kept me feeling happy and content and my need for following the way of God faded.  I was doing this myself and reaping all the benefits of such.  Forget the wild ways, the hidden valley, the exposed windy hillside – I was down in big green lush fields where I would live my days in gratifying and enjoying the desires of my heart. 

Over night it all began to go sour. 

I got a new boss who didn’t like me.  I got dumped on with more and more responsibility; previously it had felt liberating, now I was hopelessly out of my depth and drowning.  My staff failed to get their work done.  My clients complained and circulated emails and memos out of context.  I was warned, failure would not be tolerated.  So I of course redoubled and trebled my efforts, worked longer hours, made bigger promises, tried to bluff that I was thriving under this pressure instead of being crushed.
For awhile it looked even sweeter.  Off my own back I organised a transfer to the Boston office subject to the approval of my bosses, I dreamed of new experiences and of course returning higher up the ladder and work seemed to be going good again. 

Then it all fell apart. 

Staff shortages had led to a poorer piece of work but the new boss wasn’t interested in excuses my manager and then my boss both phoned me up at a client to tear a strip off me.  After my manager’s call I was shaken, retreating to the toilet I started to cry, I had tried so hard and it was so unfair, pulling myself together I returned back to my desk to put a brave face on it.  I still had some dregs of self confidence left, I had demonstrated bounce back ability before, and I would do so again.  Then the phone rang again, it was the boss.  Nothing I could say could satisfy him, he had written me off, it was clear by his tone, his comments.  My thin wisp of self belief snapped along with something inside me, the stress, the pressure, the end of all my hopes, the dreams becoming a nightmare and I started sobbing into the phone.  All I kept saying between wracking sobs was “I tried, I tried so hard…”  The boss told me to call me back after I pulled myself together and hung up.  Leaving me to sob it out and to leave work that night a broken man.  No move to Boston, future in the firm, it was all clear to me that I would have to move on…

The way I had chosen had looked like leading to success but instead had shown me failure.  Humbly with no where else to turn or anything else to cling to I began to return to the way of God, haltingly, honestly, scared of rejection I began to read little snippets of the bible, to pray and to wonder what the future might now hold for me.  I didn’t feel at all comfortable out on the lonely path but at least I had something of a map and compass…

Looking back the humbling of me was also the making of me.  Going back was going forward.  I was vulnerable and in a place where God could find me, guide me, change me, take me on… And of course then there was truth…

Before my sense of pride, my goals, my ambitions, my fears and my insecurities had kept me blind from the truth of who I was, what I was like, why I was like it.  Now vulnerable I could begin to face some of the truth about my character, my nature but it would also take something more.  It would take someone modelling the power of honesty and in turn giving me the courage to be honest as well and it would take a dramatic intervention by God to show me the truth.

There's truth and then there is The Truth...

I have already blogged a little about my encounters with truth and deeper truth and the strugle to be honest about my sexuality here.

It was on a mission trip to Zambia when the radical encounter with truth which has lasted for the last 4.5 yrs began.  I think I had signed up for the trip in my heady days of success but by the time I departed I was wondering exactly what the point of me being there was... 

40 days of faith...

Although the tidal wave of life is trying to sweep me past summer and straight to summer I am trying to find small daily ways of taking life in the slow lane.  One way fore me is taking part in the 40 days of faith which are daily prayer/bible readings/notes from Boston Vineyard, this year they are reading throught the book of Luke. 

For more on the principles beind the 40 days, see the user guide here.  For notes of week 1 [and following weeks] see here.

Stop press: like daily updates instead - check out the 40 days of faith blog

Is the consideration that I might be wrong the new right? or why christians like me shouldn't find [on-going] humility such a surprising revelation...

Christians should find it easy to consider/acknowledge or even go as far as admit that they might be wrong - was the thought that I had this morning.  Swiftly followed by the question: 'ok so why do I find it so hard then?'

I was wrong once [upon a time]...

What do I mean - well I was thinking that the most natural entry point in entering the kingdom of God is the one where we repent, or re-think how we are doing life and come to a crisis of realisation that maybe we are not doing so well - heading the wrong way down the right road as Jason described it in his talk yesterday.

Now however that has been framed in the decision making process is not really the point - the point is at some point I made a decision to follow Jesus - or to put it crudely i said ok my kingdom is pretty crap, small, crowded squalid place where i reign and i've heard/read/felt/experienced something different Jesus which seems to be your Kingdom and therefore I abdicate my throne and my kingdom and instead want to join/be part of/live in your kingdom.

I admitted i was wrong/limited/shallow/oppressed/selfish/arrogant/greedy/cruel/unkind and consumeristic and more than that i participated in a confederation of kingdoms called 'society/culture' where we shared all these things in common - we had a simple constitution which said...

We each have the right to do whatever we want that makes us happy as long as it doesn't mess too much with our individual happiness [and even then it will limited by our historical understanding of protecting my rights to health/wealth/possession].  With that caveat I won't tell you how to live your life and you don't tell me how to live yours...

Your kingdom come - but i'll take the franchise option of my will still being done!

But here is the nub, I wonder after making that initial confession that I was wrong and deciding that I needed God whether I just changed the name on the outside but fell straight back into my old practices - instead of one form of cultural acknowledgement i now had another, instead of moving into God's kingdom I set up shop on the border and took the best of God - he will look after me, sort things out for me, keep me safe, healthy, wealthy, problem free whilst continuing to have the best of my life before - it's about me and my happiness.

Yes of course this living still required pay offs, compromises and becoming fluent in two forms of language/lifestyle and if anyone asked of course i was fully in - look i bashed the minorities who christians were supposed to bash, i had made my confession, i tried to twist a few arms of people to join me but in reality it was still my kingdom, loosely affiliated to God's, mainly in name only.

In my kingdom i drifted away from that original thought that maybe i was wrong, maybe i needed to continue the process of rethinking, repenting, reconsidering and instead I became about being right in my new affiliation - I found a nice comfortable place of doing what i wanted and any challenge to that was met by the reaction:  'who the hell are you to tell me how to live my life, what I should believe and how i should live that belief!'

Over recent years experience has shown me that I have been wrong about many things - that I my own actions are so often rooted in my own insecurity and addictions, my selfish need and more than that i participate in a faith whose systems inherently reinforce that...

I have come back to the point where I started from which is that I am often as wrong about being a christian as I was as about being a secular member of society - i have made both experiences about me and my needs, about doing things that make me happy with a veneer of respectability of doing so in the name of God...

So I wonder....

... if instead of insisting on my own rightness i became open to consider that maybe i was at best only partly right?  I wonder if i continued to rethink/repent in my life whether i would be open to letting it be about how i acted in my marriage, at work, who i voted for, what i wore, how i played, who i hang out with, how i care for the communities i am part of including this planet? 

...whether that ongoing consideration that I have a tendency to get things wrong would help me be less insistent that MY way was the right way - whether that was my way of doing church or anything else?

...if being more humble would make me more open to advice about how to live my life, would make me more open to sharing who I am rather than who I think I should be, make me transparent as to the pain/selfishness/addiction/stress/tension/hang ups that I have and need help with but also make me more loving in reaching out to people with their own issues/stresses - to care for them as people made in God's image rather than as projects to shape into that of my own and assimilate into my kingdom [so i feel better/smugger/more righteous about being me]?

...that being wrong is an opportunity to be a work in progress rather than have to feel i am a finished article?  That life is about learning, seeking, searching for God and he is about finding me in growing depth and transformation?

...that i might have not have all the answers, or even all the questions makes me wonder if rather than seeking to enforce a particular practise/way i should be more open, supportive, encouraging of people who are different to me?  To what end am I right is less important to the Q is this helping someone find/connect/express their faith in Jesus in practise rather than per my own preferences/experience/choices?  Is polarity - i'm right/you're wrong a concept that should be on the way out and instead maybe something that says where are you right, where can i learn from you?

...what the impact of reflecting on whether we are still  being wrong would mean to our gatherings/structures/systems as a faith, how could we change them and how could they help us to be more humble, open, God seeking?

...that being open to being wrong by myself and my tendency to self determine in favour of me is not an invitation to seek to participate in a community? to encourage confession?  to support accountability?  To seek to make my life not so much about just me but to encourage me to open up to others, to seek to love and care for people and in return to do the same for me - so that we can challenge each other and ask the Q how are we living life?  Are we living out what we believe? More are we living out the practise of life, the marks that Jesus suggests that we should? And encourage, love, support and spur another on to do so?

...any more that you can think of/would like to add for you?

Hear The Voice...re-telling and re-listening to the bible's story

 

Hear the voice is the over arching project behind 'the dust off their feet' [a retelling of the book of Acts], which I mentioned I was reading  and am really enjoying it.

I thought you might be interested in the philosphy behind the series, so here's the background:

"One way to describe this approach is to say that it is a 'soul translation,' not just a 'mind translation.' But 'translation' is not the right word. It is really the retelling of the story. The 'retelling' involves translation and paraphrase, but mostly entering into the story of the Scriptures and recreating the event for our culture and time. It celebrates the role of scholars, but it also values the role of writers, poets, songwriters, and artists. Instead of a translation born strictly of academia, teams of scholars partner with a writer to blend the mood and voice of the original author with an accurate rendering of words of the text in English.

The Voice is unique in that it represents collaboration among scholars, writers, musicians, and other artists. Its goal is to create the finest tools to help believers experience the joy and wonder of God's revelation. In this time of great transition within the church, we are seeking to give gifted individuals opportunities to craft a variety of products and experiences: a translation of the Scriptures, worship music, a worship film festival, biblical art, worship conferences, gatherings of creative thinkers, a website for individuals and churches to share biblical resources, and books derived from exploration during the Bible translation work.

The heart of each product within The Voice project is the retell-ing of the Bible story. To accomplish the objectives of the project and to facilitate the various products envisioned within the project, the Bible text is being translated. We trust that this retelling will be a helpful contribution to a fresh engagement with Scripture. The Bible is the greatest story ever told, but it often doesn't read like it. The Voice brings the biblical narratives to life and reads more like a great novel than the traditional versions of the Bible that are seldom opened in contemporary culture."

If you're interested in exploring this further you can:

• read the intro and the first chapter of Acts [pdf] from 'the dust off their feet'
• read the first chapter from 'The Last Eye Witness' [pdf]- exploring the last week of Jesus life
• check out the website 'Hear The Voice'

SO what do you think of the project?

Say sorry with Smulo: or christians putting the apology back into apologetics...

It's a hard word to say and an even harder word to mean... John Smulo with his awesome missional apologetic heart is saying sorry on his blog for the things we've done as christians which have offened those of other beliefs and practices and he's inviting us to join him...

You are under no obligation too, in fact you might even think it's a bit of a daft idea - isn't this just another example of a group christian hand wring session to make us feel better.  Well maybe it is and maybe it does but then again maybe it will lead to action, maybe it will help us think a lil bit more about what we do and what we say and how it sounds and looks to people who aren't christians and even to those who are...

S0 here's my thought, if you mean what you say when you apologise then not only say sorry but do something about it, change something.  If you don't mean it or don't want to then don't feel compelled to.  Maybe jus go over take a look and encourage John.  Maybe if you aren't up to that just say a prayer that more people will realise the need to say sorry and have the courage to do so.  That christians apologising will lead to more forgiveness and grace breaking into the world... which can only be a better thang for us all...

Oh and if you are reading this and thinking yeah damn straight those christians have got a lot to apologise for then please tell us here or on John's site what you would like to see us saying sorry for and more than that what actions can we take to change/redeem/repay hurt or damage caused?

Update:  If you have a flickr id then log on and do a search by tag on sorrychristian for a similar visual idea  - HT to Andy for the idea.  So now you've got 2 ways of saying sorry...

[Re]connecting with God rhythms - iPod shuffle style...

Maybe life isn't as random as sometime I think?

Maybe of course it was just coincidence, maybe my mind was looking for it, maybe it was God, maybe it doesn't matter at al...

Listening to my iPod today on the walk into work today  th music seemed to connect with my soul - as the songs played on shuffle they seemed to start from where I was and draw me into God and then out again into living for him.

here is the set, enjoy....

Call to worship [or  beginning to feel a different rhythm]:

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Re-centering/re-focusing...

You chose the cross (Lost in Wonder) [Listen]
Martyn Layzell

YOU CHOSE THE CROSS with every breath,
The perfect life, the perfect death:
You chose the cross.
A crown of thorns You wore for us,
And crowned us with eternal life:
You chose the cross.
And though Your soul was overwhelmed with pain,
Obedient to death You overcame.

I'm lost in wonder,
I'm lost in love,
I'm lost in praise forevermore.
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
I am forgiven, I am restored.

You loosed the cords of sinfulness
And broke the chains of my disgrace:
You chose the cross.
Up from the grave victorious,
You rose again so glorious:
You chose the cross.
The sorrow that surrounded You was mine,
'Yet not My will but Yours be done!' You cried.

Martyn Layzell
Copyright © 2002 Thankyou Music

Response/re-orientation:

I will follow - U2

I was on the outside, when you said
You said you needed me.
I was looking at myself, I was blind
I could not see.

A boy tries hard to be a man,
His mother takes him by his hand,
If he stops to think he starts to cry.
Oh why?

If you walkaway, walkaway
I walkaway, walkaway - I will follow.

I was on the inside
when they pulled the four walls down.

Into the heart - U2
I was looking through the window.
I was lost, I am found.

Walkaway, walkaway
I walkaway, walkaway - I will follow.
If you walkaway, walkaway,
I walkaway, walkaway - I will follow.

(Your eyes make a circle,
I see you when I go in there.)
Your eyes, your eyes.

If you walkaway, walkaway
I walkaway, walkaway - I will follow

I will follow
I will follow...

Into the heart - U2

Into the heart of a child
I stay awhile
But I can go there.

Into the heart of a child
I can smile
I can't go there.

Into the heart, into the heart of a child
I can't go back
I can't stay awhile.
Into the heart.

Into the heart.

A call to social justice/action [or living out the rythm]

Johnny 99 - Bruce Springstein

[Listen]

Well they closed down the auto plant in Mahwah late that month
Ralph went out lookin' for a job but he couldn't find none
He came home too drunk from mixin'Tanqueray and wine
He got a gun shot a night clerk now they call'm Johnny 99

Down in the part of town where when you hit a red light you don't stop
Johnny's wavin' his gun around and threatenin' to blow his top
When an off duty cop snuck up on him from behind
Out in front of the Club Tip Top they slapped the cuffs on Johnny 99

Well the city supplied a public defender but the judge was Mean John Brown
He came into the courtroom and stared young Johnny down
Well the evidence is clear gonna let the sentence son fit the crime
Prison for 98 and a year and we'll call it even Johnny 99

A fistfight broke out in the courtroom they had to drag Johnny's girl away
His mama stood up and shouted "Judge don't take my boy this way"
Well son you got a statement you'd like to make
Before the bailiff comes to forever take you away

Now judge judge I had debts no honest man could pay
The bank was holdin' my mortgage and they was takin' my house away
Now I ain't sayin' that makes me an innocent man
But it was more 'n all this that put that gun in my hand

Well your honor I do believe I'd be better off dead
And if you can take a man's life for the thoughts that's in his head
Then won't you sit back in that chair and think it over judge one more time
And let 'em shave off my hair and put me on that execution line

Sending out

Time - Pink Floyd

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

Love the sinner...love the sinner: sexuality, sin and christian leadership

I still am thinking about christianity and sexual ethics - but this strand of thought is how far we allow sexually sinful people into the church - how much do they have to believe before they can belong and more than that, what level of moral perfection is needed to be achieved before they can start to lead...

My musings are inspired this time:

first by Jamie Arpin-Ricci's powerfully honest and beautiful post about his own struggles with feeling attracted to people of the same sex, which if you haven't read it then please check it out Jamie's personal reflection here and his follow up here; and

second this really thought provoking post by Shannon on is black still black and white still white.  I have lots of thoughts on Shannon's post but i think to write them there would be churlish, i don't want to litter his blog with my half formed thinking - and when you're a guest it is not polite to leave wet towels all over the bathroom!  I understand where Shannon is  coming from, it is the script that i have spent most of my life reading off of but am now starting to wonder how much is just my evangelicalism speaking and how much of it really is Jesus...

The question is that classic one of whether to allow gay people to become leaders  - Shannon suggests the position that i am most familiar with of gays being able to come to church but not allowed to lead- just as say a church wouldn't allow  a [serial] adulterer to be a leader etc...

But i am left wondering at what level do we allow sinners into leadership - after all i am guessing that such restrictions on leadership are not placed on people who think lustful thoughts, who find it hard to forgive, who feel pride, gluttony, addictions to work etc etc?  We seem to send out the message that leaders should be morally pure, upstanding examples of the sinless Jesus...

Or maybe i've just the point somewhere along the line?

i'm presuming leadership is not someone walking through the door and being promoted to snr pastor on the spot - but one that has a whole lot of variable roles - and therefore if i am gay i can't lead in any of them, even though God might have given me the gift because being gay is a sin, but if i gossip then that's ok cos that's more acceptable - or is it?

If i was gay and came to such a church i think i'd hear that most loved refrain of heh we love you we just hate your sin - which to the speaker is mighty comforting to tick that loving box but to the listener it sounds like heh i'd like to love you but you're a sinner - we don't love your kind round here...

If i was gay and came to such a church i don't think i would tell anyone that i was, i'd say heh as soon as i do i won't get to use my leader gifts and they are as much a part of me as my sinful nature - but it that is gonna hold me back from serving God then why do i need to reveal that - or bisexual in the sad case of someone who did that and rose right to the top of his denominational tree before stumbling once too often...

In fact i am not sure me with all my struggles with my own sexuality would not have got far in such a church - which was why i never told anyone for yrs and struggled so much - and yes i was in leadership.  in fact when i started sharing my struggles i was asked to stay in leadership which surprised me but allowed me to model honesty, confession, grace and love and to see people come out a little from behind their own masks...

I know from my evangelical back ground that faith is a private matter and that the sins we get most het up about are those obvious private ones - and seemingly minority ones - like sexuality when it is revealed in public, not when it starts off with a lustful look...

I wonder though when we will also scrutinise our own institutions and ask ourselves how much our 'right' actions prolong and promote sin?  How do are black and white rules that ride coach and horses through grace?  Does the system we operate whilst looking righteous actually encourage sin?  Do we ask people to live to the laws that we say are important and define what they are and how they apply and therefore deny them the grace that they were promised when they decided to orientate their lives around Jesus in the first place?

I say we cos i think i am as much a part of the problem here as anyone else in the evangelical church - we do our pharisee bit in the most complimentary way, we are zealous for God, we are passionate about his word, we espouse high moral life and then maybe we wonder why our churches are such shiny happy places for shiny happy well scrubbed people who play the game, manage our sin and say thank goodness we have rules in the bible and we get to enforce them...

But our we missing out on something - if what we focus on determines what we miss then by focusing on sexuality we let a whole lot of other sins slip by... by focusing on law we let a whole lot of grace slip by...

I'm not saying that snr church leaders should not show maturity of character, a commitment to follow Christ etc but wouldn't it be great if we also had leaders who were able to grow by being honest, by confessing, by sharing their struggles and fears with the fear of being disbarred, banned, or sacked?  What would that do to us to learn about mercy and grace, to experience them and to have leaders who have grown up in their faith immersed in them? 

Maybe we need to check that script again and possibly start to think of getting a new one, as for me the same old lines just aren't working...

Why I am growing to appreciate and value all kinds of christian - but especially the old kind...

One of the tensions that i feel when i participate in conversations with those who identify ourselves with the emerging church is a sense of frustration with the church that people seem to feel.  I know myself that I have experienced similar frustration and anger with what we, when being polite, may term the modern church, the established church, the traditional church, sometimes with additional adjectives such as conservative, evangelical, fundamental, liberal etc...

I say it is a tension as over the last few years I have come to feel that frustration and anger is not always helpful, not least because it leaves me:

• making generalisations [sweeping and otherwise];
• labelling and judging people;
• feeling that i am right and others are wrong;
• increases my indulgence in resentment/bitterness/moaning; and
• feeling negative about the whole idea of church and increasing my consumeristic tendencies

In short all the things that I thought were bad about the church I am equally as guilty of and no doubt even more self righteous about!

Exploring the spiritual discipline of frustration

I have come to realise that frustration is not always such a bad thing, particularly if frustration is a motivation that leads me to:

• motivating decision making,
• self evaluation/judging,
• growing aware of/addressing character weaknesses,
• practically helping people,
• seeking opportunities for conversation,
• seeking to pray for, love and understand people [where they are] more than I am loved and understood myself. 

I am not saying that this is an easy process, for example, whilst still serving in my last church,  I still wanted to be connected but I stepped down from a lot of leadership roles as I knew the temptation to use my position to undermine would be too much, far better to not give my anger and frustration that sort of platform.  Instead I sought to support people who were leading, to encourage them, to reach out to people who were dissatisfied and help them with their own anger.  I tried to channel my frustration into being the sort of Christian i thought i should be: practising generosity, honesty, love etc rather than insisting every one should do it the way that I thought it should be done 

For me it became a spiritual discipline.  I remember listening to sermons and rather than just being frustrated that the 'right words' weren't being said I instead sought to not wait for church to validate my version of christianity but to live it  instead.   When i disagreed with a talk instead of dismissing it I tried to think through the 'why' of that and to see that often the points being made were valid and that they, together with my own thoughts, often added a balance.  often it was a case of that language was different and I didn't like it - a matter of style rather than a disagreement with orthodoxy/substance.

Four thoughts on why I am learning to like and value all kinds but especially the ol' kinda christians...

I been spending the last few weeks thinking about why I value inclusivity rather than exclusivity  and the following are some thoughts about why I feel I should value all forms of christianity, whether they are old kinds of christian or a new kind...

1. Heritage

There is no getting away from it I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the conservative evangelical and charismatic traditions I have been part of.  It was these tradition that taught me so much about what it is to be a christian, e.g.:

• they gave me a love for encountering God in the bible and today;
• the foundation to think and ask questions about God, the world, purpose of life;
• the experience of being guided by the Holy Spirit, spiritual gifts, healings and other God inspired life transforming and enriching encounters;
• a fine understanding of orthodoxy; and
• a desire to love God in thought, action, experience and emotion... 

If it wasn't for the people of these traditions serving God as faithfully as they know how and with the best of intentions passing on their faith/expeeience/love to me than I doubt I would be writing about matters of faith at all.

It makes me think of that other most difficult and frustrating time of my physical life which was my teenage yrs and the struggle to find my identity as a person - seperate/independent yet still related/connected to my parents.  In the same way I see the struggle to find my 'spiritual identity' and to do so with a healthy relationship with my 'spiritual parents' is one that is equally hard a time of transition for both child and parent.  Understanding how hard it is for those 'parents' might make me more generous and kinder - it is not because they hate me and are out to frustrate me but becaause they love me and don't want to see me hurt, are uncertain about what will happen when they let go and even how fast to do so.  Questions of freedom, of maturity of respect matter immensely and one where I think i would find it healthier [and demonstrate these qualities] by following the advice of the bible on how to treat parents and seek to honour/appreciate my church family/heritage [even if they do frustrate me at times - and me them...] 

Note to self: blood is thicker than orthodoxy after all :)

2. Character

One of the recent thoughts I have had is that God is not concerned about making me happy - in the sense of how i see happiness [healthy, wealth, new 40 inch LCD tv, easy life etc] but is more interested in me developing a mature Christ-esque character.  This rthought coupled with my recent fave quote - that hanging out with people who i agree with, people who think the same as me, people who are like me makes a clique not a community - makes me appreciate the character growing process of experiencing all kinds of christians, especially the ones that I disagree with the most [at least in maters of style, expression etc].

In other words rather than belittling people for not getting me maybe instead I should invest time in trying to get them, to explain myself, to open myself up to critique rather than to seek to critique them. 

Maybe if I really believe in a generous orthodoxy I should start living that out by being generous to the conservative/modern [etc] parts of the church?

Perhaps if being a christian is about love and if Jesus said that the ultimate mark of the church would be the love that the people who followed him showed one another, then I should be more loving, more generous, kinder, softer, less angry and more hopeful?  Rather than shaking my head at their foolish/outmoded ways maybe I should consider whether my own life of faith is really better, or am I maybe better in some areas but far worse in others making me less overall?  [Why do I hear my mother saying - when you point with one finger, three fingers point back at you?]

What if God is serious about growing patience, love, kindness, mercy, grace, encouragement, passion, generosity, faith and self control [etc] in me - what better way than in/through/by encountering people who stretch me in all of these ways?  In trying to build relationships with people who I struggle with and seeking to live a life that is a blessing to them, that is about giving myself away rather than trying to get what I want from them?

And what better way then by exposing how when I try and do so I promptly fail because my reserves of love et al are remarkably low for any one else other than me?  Thus reminding me that this is not about what I can do but what God does in my weakness, not my strength - that his kingdom is a work of the Holy Spirit and therefore I need to seek God first - i need to ask God for the patience I need, for the love I need and keep asking him to grow me so I can love more because I am seeking to love more?

3. Deep church

I hinted at this above  - if I really believe in a generous orthodoxy should I not be equally generous with the modern church?  If I believe that it takes all sorts of different churches to reach all sorts of different people and that part of my call as a christian who is loved by Christ to love everyone, including those people who follow him as well - then maybe I should be asking different sort of Qs?:

What if it is not just about creating another stream of church but looking at opportunities to work together as different churches, where it is not so much my mission but our mission, where the people who are served by the church who don't care which church it is but love the fact that some one cares about them? 

A place where the huge amount that the church as a whole has in common is not overshadowed by the small differences of language, emphasis, style? 

A church where we look at the bigger picture, where we are cheered on by a great cloud of witnesses from all denominations and seek to encourage, support and look out for all christian here on earth? 

What do I need to do differently?  What aspects of negativity or polarity or kingdom building do I need to shelve in order to be more generous?  Not only should i ask myself what it costs but what price I am prepared to pay?  If being a follower of Jesus is about seeing his kingdom come and his will being done rather than my will/kingdom than maybe I need to trust Jesus more and me less with the answers?  What does it mean to seek the kingdom of God first in this context?  What does it mean to think about loving and appreciating all my christian cousins?  What does it mean to validate them as much [if not more] than I want to be validated myself?

4. Global conversation

Finally, I am conscious that a lot of what I feel is only applicable within my western cultural context, which is a post-church one - a lot of my frustration on style of church is pretty meaningless when people can't be bothered with church in the first place. 

We might live in the 'whatever' generation but for me I'd rather care enough to engage with church and participate with in it.  I have a deep love and appreciation for the church, yes it might lumber but at its best it is a body that is revolutionary.  For example its very essence is counter-cultural in its desire/expression to permeate the dominant cultural motiff of a life that is all about: 'me, who is important, my life to live how I like so don't judge,  and its myself first and others only if i can be bothered.'  Ironically such liberation needs to start at home as I am chronically addicted to such a cultural existence that if I can't consumer my out of a situation, if it requires commitment rather than a one off transaction, time rather than a flash of the credit card, serving rather than expecting service 24/7 then I struggle...

But more than my own cultural context there is a whole world in Africa and Asia where christianity is different again, where culture is different again - to assume that my issues are the normative would I think be grossly short sighted and further evidence of my own self love. 
In the context of a global conversation I need to think about how my actions impact on the world, issues like trade justice and the environment become not just causes to consume for but challenges for long term commitment that will cost me and my time and treasures...

And here comes the nub - Christ loves the church, we're that imperfect bride, we're not a super model, we're not a gold digger, we're not after a sugar daddy we're just average people trying to love him back.  All of us have are being revealed by Jesus - revealed to have beauty in ways we could not imagine, revealed to have a worth that we never thought we could possess, revealed to revel in a life that is beyond ourselves, that is not about getting what we can but giving ourselves away, giving ourselves up to him... and we get to that together, to see each other the way he sees us, to call out the God colours in each of us and to cheer each other down the aisle...

So next time...

I feel tempted to write the trad church this or the conservative church that... to rant at a grey monolith, to make a sweeping generalisation, to score an easy point, to poke fun at a person's or denominations blind spot or weakness I hope I will stop, reread and delete.  I hope I can be specific, i hope i can share experiences in a way that is both positive and real to how I feel.  I hope that instead of pointing the finger I can instead offer an embrace.  I hope that I can be honest, real, gracious and loving and extend all of that first without the expectation that it be extended back to me but with a undying hope that it will be. 

Instead of making it about them and us, maybe I'll make it just about me - or it that is too self centred - maybe just us.

Maybe... afterall the story doesn't end here and I still have a lot of growing and loving to do.  At least i don't have to do that alone...

The dust off their feet [oh and some more thoughts this time inspired by chapter 7 of a new kind of christian]...

One of my quieter new yrs resolutions is try and start to re-engage with the bible.  Just to read it, enjoy it, be shaped by it and yeah let it read me...  It was one the great things about when I read the whole of the new testament in The Message paraphrase, it was alive, vibrant and it actually changed me - certain parts of the sermon on the mount, ephesians [love is about giving not getting] and Galations [power of grace] just blew me away and left me changed as a result...

But of late I feel I have only engaged with the bible when I want something, when it is something to support what I am saying/thinking - like calling up an old friend cos i'm after a favour and not cos i want to reconnect and renew our friendship/relationship.

Of course part of my problem is that old one of familarity breeds... well in this case arrogance, which is why the Message with its paraphrase was so shockingly good - it actually meant i read, listened, reflected, bathed in the words and wondered at possibility of what they suggested - somewhere a hunger woke up...

The bible is not the sole foundation of christian life/experience and it is more than just an answer book - infact when i go looking for answers i usually find i have already determined the answer when i let the bible read me i tend to find it throws up a whole lot of Qs about me and my life/experience.   It's an interesting dynamic that I am inspired/informed by christians, by theology, by experience and community and the bible - but the bible in turn inspires all these things... it awakens hunger for the things of God.

But with all hungers it dampened down, my life got different rythm, space got compacted and i went back to resting on bible laurels, don't read me i'll read you...

But now I'm back - i look at the morass on the inside of me and think yes I need God to be searching me, transforming me, shaping me - I need something to help me encounter God more, to inspire me,to challenge me, to bathe in, even to alter my brave waves the way a piece of music will - the flow of words, entwined with the Spirit.  And to help me I decided to pick something with a little structure - in my case: the dust off their feet.

The dust is a retelling of the book of Acts [ok Brian McLaren does that part] and the book has thoughts/insights/comments/reflections/view points etc to help make it an immersion rather than just a read... 

I've only just started so i'll let you know how it goes... if you've tried let me know what you think and if you have any other good recomendations of books that let the bible read you then i'd love to hear them...