As someone who has been addicted to porn I was really glad to see that 7 October has been christened porn sunday (HT to Anne Jackson) - an opportunity for porn to be talked about it in church.
The dangers of a private faith...
When i grew up I never heard a lot of sermon's in church but never one that talked about sexuality - the christianity i experienced was a very private affair and therefore what people did outside of sunday staid mostly private unless it was a good thing in which case it was ok to go public with it. For a long time I never knew i could talk about being addicted to porn, i knew it was a bad thing, a shameful thing and therefore something that should be kept well out of sight least it blow my own good christian PR!
so good so bad...
On the flip side of course I never thought much about what a destructive thing porn is as well. I started off stealing porn mags from 7-11 as a curious teen with a friend, graduated through porn books at uni, explicit films on tele and finally the deluge of free porn on the net that i revelled in. It was easy for me to find this was just a way of coping with life, that looking didn't hurt anyone. Oh and btw everyone else is doing it too.
And of course like every other addictive thang in the word from worry to crack cocaine, porn is a way of coping with life, it can feel good, distracting, creating an unreality to escape into - feeding a whole host of issues in me: my own insecurity, intimacy craving, lust and a desire to feel normal about my own particular sexuality at the time [more about all that here].
But after a time the mind adjusts to the level of stimulation so i found myself on a downward spiral, needing more porn, spending more time looking at it, looking for more extreme porn which desenitised me still further and at the same time made me feel even more shame - thus fueling the next binge.
The long hard road of recovery
Coming out of being addicted to porn has been a long road and a very painful one. Realising how much hurt and trust that i have destroyed is not pleasant, having to face the shame and some of the inner issues that underlie it is not easy either. I still have flashbacks from time to time, images, words, thoughts that exert a real power over me even now - i have spent so much time in porn in the past that it formed me at a depth that I never realised.
What has helped me is learning to be honest - actually admitting my weaknesses and that i can't fight my addiction alone. I have needed prayer, accountability, help, support, encouragement, forgiveness from others and re-formation - the holy spirit reshaping my character and helping me in the ongoing healing of my own hurts and insecurities that were medicated by porn.
I don't want to write to say heh look at me, now I'm perfect - cos i know that i am not. Lust in me may have lost a lot of its external visual hold but it still seeks to find ways of getting me to co-operate with it - to take humanity from another person like some voyeuristic vampire to feed my own rather selfish feel good needs rather than to find ways to give humanity back. It is still far too easy for me to be complacent and to suddenly be prodded by the holy spirit that i am staring!
Hope for the hopeless: finding grace in weakness and courage in company...
However, i do want to write to give hope and understanding. Some of the great lies i've faced over has been the 'i'm crap/sinner so why not enjoy it?' that coupled with 'that's the way i am' and 'i'm a man i'm meant to look at porn so i can't help it.' Finding hope, love, and truth for each of those sentances has helped me realise that others have faced exactly the same and have been changed as well - hope is here, liberation is here, because the Father, Son and Spirit are here.
I look at how far God's grace has brought me in 17 yrs and how being honest with myself in admiting there I have a problem and people being honest with me to give me courage to face my addiction to porn has been life changing.
If you'd like to share your own stories of hope then I'd love to hear them. They don't have to be porn related, pick any of your addictions...
If you'd like to chat off line please feel free to email me or check out xxxchurch.com
Paul, great post.
Posted by: Duncan McFadzean | 01 October 2007 at 10:34 PM
Thanks Duncan!
Posted by: Paul | 04 October 2007 at 11:04 AM
ATHEISM FTW!!!
Posted by: Andrew | 15 April 2008 at 07:47 PM