Dear God...HELP!!!!

I had one of those horrible mondays today,  you know the type that you really dread, where you wish you could just hide in bed and wait awhile before getting on with life.  They start poor, get worse but at least this one has a happy ending...

Lesson #1 learnt today:  Do not ever check work emails before bed! 

Which is what I did last night and of course read that some guidance that ad prepared was at all costs not to go out today.  It left me with a sudden sick feeling in my stomach, a creeping suspicion that said guidance may already have gone live on the internet.  You know that feeling where you can kick yourself, the ultimate in DOH! moment.  It was partly pride, letting my ego start a ball rolling i thought i could control but had run away from me, out of my hands, that feeling of doomned powerlessness. Crap, crap, crap!

I thought of the options:

• confess everything and plead insanity;
• cover my ass and blame everyone else;
• don't tell anyone and try and sort it out myself.

My first thought was confess and pass the responsibility but after praying I thought that was suicide better to go with the last one and see if i could sort it out.  I didn't sleep very well, my mind work on the possible permetations, cover stories, ways of protecting myself...

Lesson #2: A little melodramatic ain't I

Now you may be thinking a bit of guidance to a bunch of auditors is not the sort of thing to lose sleep over, even if it was on the web already it could be surely taken off and you'd be right of course.   Usually I am so laid back I am horizontal and hardly ever worry about anything so what had got me in such a flap?

Good Q, thinking about it now I realise that having to admit/face mistakes in the past in a work environment has not been a positve experience for me - i remember as a wet by the ears baby auditor once leaving a file on a photocopier and being almost crucified for leaving potentially confidential material laying around where anyone could find it.

I am aware that I am especially sensitive when it comes to having to tell male figures that I look up to - I think something in me really hates/fears being rejected and letting the side down.  Must be some neurotic father figure thang and my ongoing quest for approval/acceptance...

All of which is probably explains something of my drama queen tendancies.

Lesson #3: I am not in control of my life as much as I think  I am...

Most of the time I am under the illusion that I am in control of my life.  Somtimes however life rudely wrests the steering wheel out of my hands reducing me to a powerless passenger who's options are few. 

I had done the sensible thing of course and straight away emailed the person responsible for putting the guidance onto the web and asked them not too - not that they would be checking their email in the middle of the night, they had probably already learnt lesson 1!  On a packed commuter train, wedged upright like a sardine in a suit I took the call confirming my worst fears, the guidance had gone live.  Yes it would be pulled but that would take time and in the meanwhile at least a stop press note could be put on the system to alert people.

But now I had that tough call to make - would i bluff it out, not tell my boss and hope that no else drew it to his attention or would I tell him, risk the disapointment etc that I was afraid i'd receive but at least he would know the score and that we were acting to right the wrong.  Hmmm tricky...

Lesson #4: hope, inheritance, power...asking for help to face the situation not avoid it

Ok slightly cryptic but it was at this point feelin pretty crap that i had a flash back to the talk yesterday that Jason did at church on Ephesians 1:15-23, but particularly v18-19:

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe..."

Up until that pointI had been praying for God to bail me out, for me to escape the situation somehow (there's never the rapture when you need it) and here I was realising that I could not escape reality and that reality was one where I felt out of hope, looking at a distinctly unglorious outcome and totally powerless.  Jason had done a pretty good talk yesterday about Jesus being the ultimate reality in our lives and the source of hope, a community/family where his inheritance/presence could be encountered and embraced and the power that is available to us only in that reality.

I knew i needed help to face the situation, to make myself vulnerable to experiencing hope and help from the community of God's people even though it would make me look weak and foolish.  Jason also mentioned another of St Paul's revelations from God - that God's power is made perfect in our weakness, that in my stress and angst there was actually now a space for God to work in my life rather than me just running the show.

I sent a text explaining the situation to a few friends, including Debs (which was a big thing for me as I don't like looking weak and foolish to her) asking them to pray for me and as always was overwhelmed with the love of people responding yes they would pray and be there for me.

Lesson #5: the toilet is my refuge and escape, but not always a very safe place in times of trouble

I had resolved to tell my boss and had that horrible time of waiting for him to arrive in the office.  His arrival coincided with me ducking into the toilet to relieve the stress (hmm literally crapping myself) and to pray (ah guarding me loins).

It reminded me of another time in the past when I had made a couple of mistakes in a different job and had my boss ring me up to give me the rollicking of my life - then it had seen me heading to the toilet to break down and cry, at the end of my tether, having tried so hard and seem all my efforts crumble into disaster.

This time at least I felt enough courage to go and tell him, i must have looked pretty aweful as the first thing the boss asked was if i was ok?  I told him what had happened and what we were doing about it - rather than getting the telling off i was expecting or the disapproval/dissapointment it all went very positive (ok i was being a drama queen afterall).  I kept expecting throughout the day to get some other reaction but none came and the day turned into just another monday.

Lesson #6: an attitude of grattitude

I'm grateful for the prayers and the people praying and loving me.  Ii'm grateful that God helped me have the courage to face the situation in my weakness there was God's power, in his people a taste of his inheritance and at the end of the day a sense of hope rather than failure and self condemnation i had been subjecting myself too...

So how is/was your Monday? And what have you learnt over the last couple of days?

Comments

[sonja]

Sweet Jesus! Honesty *is* always the best policy ... and especially when you can tell the boss what you're doing about it that's good!!

YAY for you Paul. Good on ya. For all the good leaps you took today (or is it now yesterday for you?).

I'm not sure yet what I'm learning ... it's not clear yet, but I'll tell you when I know.

[David]

Well in the U.S. today was Labor Day where most people take the day off and go camping or something. I went swimming with my kids! :-)

If you lived here, you could have joined us!

But I'm quite glad all is good there and you can sleep well again. Amen to that.

This is a good lesson to us: When we move to London - stay in bed on American Labor Day.

:-)

[Paul]

thanks sonja, i think it's what the expression "balls to the wall" was invented for :)

[Paul]

I like your version of monday david, mine felt a little like facing hard labor :)

[Duncan McFadzean]

Paul, I can pretyt much identify with every step you went through there (I know the toilet feeling!). My Monday was rubbish, I said something to someone during a negotiation and they proceeded to rant at me for 5 minutes without me able to get a word in. But they did apologise on Tuesday though, so the work has got better!

Was in the big smoke today - RMT have a lot to answer for!

[Paul]

Thanks Duncan, ah what would we do without toilets. Hope your week continued to get better :)

And yes RMT need help/prayer too :)