Restoring my humanity: personal experiences of Jesus as the way/truth/life...

Yesterday I reflected on some of my thinking why Jesus is the way not only for me to find God but also to become fully human.  Today I'd like to explore that by looking at some of my life and  how for me Jesus has helped me become not just more human but a better human in terms of my work, marriage, my sexuality etc...

My way or Jesus way?

The way of Jesus for instance was the way of self sacrifice and death, through torture.  Watch Mel Gibson’s The Passion and it all comes home in glory/gory filled technicolour.  To see someone die with such dignity and compassion in the face of such suffering and injustice is a calling to aspire high above my immediate life goals/desire for a way of gadgets, gizmos and carefully collected knowledge. 

It is a way that I have often wandered off as well.  The low point of this journey came just over 6 years ago. 

I had gone through a patch of being wildly successful at work, given increased responsibilities for key clients and a higher wage packet I plunged myself into work, dreaming of the day when I would become a partner in the firm of auditors for which I worked.  Long hours and such dreams of more success and money kept me feeling happy and content and my need for following the way of God faded.  I was doing this myself and reaping all the benefits of such.  Forget the wild ways, the hidden valley, the exposed windy hillside – I was down in big green lush fields where I would live my days in gratifying and enjoying the desires of my heart. 

Over night it all began to go sour. 

I got a new boss who didn’t like me.  I got dumped on with more and more responsibility; previously it had felt liberating, now I was hopelessly out of my depth and drowning.  My staff failed to get their work done.  My clients complained and circulated emails and memos out of context.  I was warned, failure would not be tolerated.  So I of course redoubled and trebled my efforts, worked longer hours, made bigger promises, tried to bluff that I was thriving under this pressure instead of being crushed.
For awhile it looked even sweeter.  Off my own back I organised a transfer to the Boston office subject to the approval of my bosses, I dreamed of new experiences and of course returning higher up the ladder and work seemed to be going good again. 

Then it all fell apart. 

Staff shortages had led to a poorer piece of work but the new boss wasn’t interested in excuses my manager and then my boss both phoned me up at a client to tear a strip off me.  After my manager’s call I was shaken, retreating to the toilet I started to cry, I had tried so hard and it was so unfair, pulling myself together I returned back to my desk to put a brave face on it.  I still had some dregs of self confidence left, I had demonstrated bounce back ability before, and I would do so again.  Then the phone rang again, it was the boss.  Nothing I could say could satisfy him, he had written me off, it was clear by his tone, his comments.  My thin wisp of self belief snapped along with something inside me, the stress, the pressure, the end of all my hopes, the dreams becoming a nightmare and I started sobbing into the phone.  All I kept saying between wracking sobs was “I tried, I tried so hard…”  The boss told me to call me back after I pulled myself together and hung up.  Leaving me to sob it out and to leave work that night a broken man.  No move to Boston, future in the firm, it was all clear to me that I would have to move on…

The way I had chosen had looked like leading to success but instead had shown me failure.  Humbly with no where else to turn or anything else to cling to I began to return to the way of God, haltingly, honestly, scared of rejection I began to read little snippets of the bible, to pray and to wonder what the future might now hold for me.  I didn’t feel at all comfortable out on the lonely path but at least I had something of a map and compass…

Looking back the humbling of me was also the making of me.  Going back was going forward.  I was vulnerable and in a place where God could find me, guide me, change me, take me on… And of course then there was truth…

Before my sense of pride, my goals, my ambitions, my fears and my insecurities had kept me blind from the truth of who I was, what I was like, why I was like it.  Now vulnerable I could begin to face some of the truth about my character, my nature but it would also take something more.  It would take someone modelling the power of honesty and in turn giving me the courage to be honest as well and it would take a dramatic intervention by God to show me the truth.

There's truth and then there is The Truth...

I have already blogged a little about my encounters with truth and deeper truth and the strugle to be honest about my sexuality here.

It was on a mission trip to Zambia when the radical encounter with truth which has lasted for the last 4.5 yrs began.  I think I had signed up for the trip in my heady days of success but by the time I departed I was wondering exactly what the point of me being there was... 

I knew I had journeyed deliberately far from God and with the simple childlike faith I was exercising felt that I was not best placed to really do anything.  God had other ideas and I found a simple childlike faith was great, I prayed for a guy not understanding what he wanted because of his accent to find out that God had healed in – even though I had been praying for him to have more of the holy spirit – nothing to do with me!  I experienced watching God in spiritual battle with the demonic and prayer overcoming.  I preached in a tiny poor Pentecostal church with congregation filling up one classroom of shanty town school of where 9 other classrooms also had individual churches.  I experienced working with a team of people who were great to get to know and began to find out one of my gifts was encouragement. 

More than that I made a friend on the trip who was a lot like me, funny, laid back and yet very honest about his journey, his struggles with God, his own personal failures and this guy was also a snr pastor.  I was shocked and excited, here was honesty being modelled for me in a way that was empowering, that gave me courage to face who I was and to ask God to change me. 

I asked a couple of guys to pray for me one night with some of the burdens of lust that I felt, physically it felt like a steel band around my chest and was something I had struggled with ever since those first hormonally challenged days of being a teen.  But it was the first time I had the courage to ask for prayer, even keeping the details deliberately skimpy with people I trusted, God did his thang and I felt the steel band loosen.  The guys asked me how I was and I told them I felt better but still if there was other things which I wasn’t sure about.  They prayed for God to reveal them and he did – words formed in my mind and it took courage to admit them out loud, to face the truth. 

One by one though I did, I didn’t want to hold back, I was tired of living in the shadows and under this sort of oppression.  One by one they guys prayed for my issues, often I would struggle to actually express the issue or to ask God for forgiveness and the guys stayed with me praying… lust…pride [I can make it in my own/I can sort this out myself]… anger [I had always hid behind the excuse of having a long fuse but a powerful temper]… need to be in control… fear… insecurity… a vow I had taken not to be passive like my dad which had led me to lead a life of dominance, of being unable to admit I was wrong about anything, that had even warped my sexuality… broken & healed.  Fear of my intelligence, something I had shunned since as a boy I was told I was clever enough to go to private school - healed.

It was the most liberating experience of my life, I felt that I was actually growing into who I really had been created to be, into my inheritance, not the shabby, held back, oppressed person I had been before.  It was a life changing experience where vast areas of my personality were changed for the better and people, who knew me best, like my wife, noticed the difference as well.

The truth of course when it comes from God is something I continue to wrestle with.  Pride, shame, denial, fear, enjoyment even all contribute at times to me not wanting to hear the nuggets of truth God reveals to me, wants me to experience.  Making me accountable to some trusted friends was the only way I could think of following me to prevent me slipping back – to be honest with others to keep me honest with God and myself.  Of course the battle is still there - to hide rather than reveal myself.  To admit I still struggle with things prayed for many times and ground walked with.  But like an onion, I know I have made layers and God wants to peel back all those ones which hide his glory, obscure the truth of who he has created me to be.

Get busy living or get busy dying...

Of course another adventure with living in truth is to face the consequences of my actions.  I can of course choose to deal or not deal with the truths God shows me [and God can use a lot ways of trying to show me… the bible… flashes of insight… repeated character flaws and failings… the wife, she knows most of 'em - often I don’t want to listen/know].

People however who have to live with my faults and failings don’t get a choice, they have to suffer and cope and seek help if necessary in order to be able to survive healthy.  This gives me a powerful motive to face the truth and co-operate with God in dealing with my demons – love - for those who are also, through no fault of their own other than they love me enough to want to know them or unlucky enough to be in my path.  If I love others [the 2nd greatest commandment] I will want to be in the truth and face my issues.  Or I will not step in their way if they need help in order to be able to face their own truths that they need God, friends, counselling if they are to fulfil that commandment towards me and others.  If I love God, I will want to honour him by taking that revelation of the truth that he gives and facing my issues despite the high personal cost involved.

Let me give you an example.  I used to be addicted to porn.  When I say addicted I mean I couldn’t stop looking on-line at the stuff.  I was very careful and hiding all evidence from my wife [hmmm hiding by the way often a clue of an issue, think of Adam, eve and hiding from God in the garden and hiding from each other with clothes because of their shame].  However I was not as clever as I thought I was and she caught me.  Being caught, confronted, challenged I have found is a very powerful way having the decision to face the truth being bought into my face.  In the pain and upset and hurt this caused my wife I knew because I loved her I needed help and despite the shame involved I knew that we needed to seek help from other people.  This meant people of course finding out about me and my problems and be having to face denial, avoidance, the easy, selfish way out and ban my wife from talking about it and maybe eventually ending up with a broken marriage rather than just lost face.  So I took the hard way, the Jesus way, I faced the truth, I experienced the shame and the embarrassment and we got help together and my addiction was broken.  It made our marriage tough for awhile but it helped me and in the end it helped us. Looking back going through such a horrid event keeps me a lot more humble as a husband and has let honesty flourish in our marriage. 

To say history repeats itself is not always true.  However a couple of yrs ago in a real black spell of lostness and pain I tried the path of porn once again as a way of feeling good about myself.  Clearly I was out of practice on how to cover my tracks as I was caught almost straight away my wife.  Old hurts resurfaced, again the shame of having to face the problem was outweighed my motive of love.  My wife needed help to love, forgive, be healed from the wounds I had inadvertently inflicted and I needed help to, to face the truth of my blackness rather than running from it. Again God used that confrontation to reveal parts of my identity which were based not on him but on others which embarked me on applying for a small ministry team prayer experience to help me deal with these roots.

But I continue to be, in the words of Gerald May, an addict in every sense of the word and the short cut to feeling good, or to taking back control over my sexual feelings has become chat rooms - it is easy to pretend, to flirt, to feel attractive and good about myself and yet I realise how shallow that life is.  It shows again how my life looks far more pale when compared to God's dream for it - how often I am more concerned about taking than blessing and yet how liberating it is those moments where i find myself investing in God's economy rather than mine.

Living in such a sexualised society does not help where almost every part of my culture is eroticised - it's not top shelf porn magazines, just look at any magazine cover and it has a beautiful person on it or an enticing car, gizmo etc that looks so good   - i live in an an instant gratification society and as such i often want that instant gratification.

But following the way and facing the truth seems to bring life as well.  I have already confessed to the freedom of God healing flawed parts of my character and the wonderful release of finding out that who I was and who I am are not the same as who God is creating me to be.  I have mentioned the new life that has sprung up in my marriage through going through times of honesty and prayer – the truth and the way together with my wife.  From last year our marriage has grown again by inspiring us to do the marriage course together and learning that love is about doing, about giving – which means effort and still further reliance in the way from God and more revelations of truth about how to love my wife like she needs to be loved… Life from facing the pain, life from following the way – a rich life, a growing life, a newness of life.   The contrast of investing in marriage, in a commitment which has lasted nearly 10 yrs of ups and downs, c0ntrasts and has often conflcted with my instant nature shaped by a quick fix society...

An ongoing story...

I think its an important part to mention that life does not always imply a sweetness or a success, life has had moments of fear, shame, doubt, darkness as well as plenty of love and laughter but it does I think imply a richness, a timbre, a vitality which can come from no other way and no other source.

It is a great walk.  It is a great adventure.  It is wonderful illumination.  It is a great life.  All beyond me, all about not fearing to let go, to leave behind, to deal with, to give up, to sacrifice – all inspired by a God, who in the form of man Jesus did exactly the same for me…

Comments

[glenn]

Paul- What can I say, except thanks for being honest. In doing so you hold out hope for everyone with an addictive personality, which I believe, is everyone. It is only the addictions that change from person to person. It reminds me o the writings of Brenann Manning and Michael Yaconelli.

I wonder how we would be affected if we grasped the something of the value that we have in God's eyes and something of the unique potential He has placed within us.

[Paul]

Thanks glenn. I've found being honest about my inner space and opening that up to God and God's community the only thing that has helped me change/grow and recover more of my humanity - it has been costly [not least in on-going humility] but it has also been so life changing and liberating - my best hope and my only real proof of God is my experiences as to how he continues to help me unravel my addictions and change me from a net taker to a net giver.

It is an interesting reflection point, realising God's value in us is in part for me a reflection of my changing theology - moving away from me as a worthless sinner to me as a spiritual being who has been created good but can choose between the best by following the way of Jesus or the fluctuating good of following me. Which has not always been that successful/happy bringing...

What do you think the impact would be?

[glenn]

What if we believed what God believes about us?

We would be highly motivated to serve Him in the way he created us to do so.

Words like freedom, creativity, dedication, and holiness (both positive and negative) come to mind.

[Molly]

Wow, this is really really gut-wrenchingly good.
Thanks, Paul.

[Rupert]

Paul - just got round to reading this post (its length put me off a quick glance!). Thanks for your honesty and transparency. It is inspiring and a model. I am sure it will help many to open up to thier hidden stuff, and bring into the light. Really good stuff.

[Paul]

Thanks Glenn, yes i think liberation would be inspiring and motivating, my motivation has increased anywho :).

Just one Q - what did you mean by +ive and -ive holiness?

[Paul]

Thanks Molls, it was a bit of a post from the guts rather than from the mind :)

[Paul]

Thanks Rupert - yes i guess it was a bit on the long side, i was gonna split it into 3 posts but then got lazy - having written it all i just wanted to hit post :)

I hope it does help people - in a strange way i've found that opening up my inner space has helped me but it has also helped other people to open up theirs - i guess someone has to make the first move and having been on the receiving end of someone being couragiously honest with me and inspiring my own courage to be honest, i hope i can do the same for others.

I think after that the hardest thang is to keep being open, keep being honest and resisting the temptation to say heh look i'm all fixed!

[glenn]

Paul- I identify negative holiness with what usually comes to mind, thoughts, words, behavior, and habits to turn from. Some call it sin management. I think that it has built-in problems, though the motivation is great. Simply put, the law calls attention to the sin.

By positive holiness, I am referring to new thoughts, words, behavior, and habits that replace the old. I think that it starts by accepting the place of forgiveness and privilege that one has who has faith in Christ. Then, it moves us out of our comfort zones into the radically inclusive love and potentially controversial expressions of that love that Christ modeled. It has a way of diverting our attention from addictive sin because our hearts and minds are captivated with something new and exciting.

[Paul]

Thanks Glenn, that is very helpful... In my own experience i am often very aware that i have in my life positive blessings and negative ones - that i give but I take etc. The light/dark within me can end up with me just focussing on the dark rather than on the light which i think you are saying is unhelpful.

I find that a tension between knowing who i am and practices that open up the dark areas of me to the light of Jesus but also at the same time let the light out of me into the people and places i inhabit.

Anyone have any similar experiences? Anything you do as a result?

[glenn]

I think that there can be healthy balance between reflection and activism.

A problem with most churches is that they are not inspiring. It is not too inspiring to me to keep the machinery of the local church going, but it is very inspiring to be tackling a huge problem, like homelessness, for example, if even in only a small hands-on way.

Beauty can also capture our hearts. That's why it is good to take in great art and spend time in nature.

Relationships keep us engaged and externally focused.

It is all part of God's goodness, his kingdom, and his purposes for us.

I, personally, have bent toward reflection, so I have to try to find ways to keep these things in my life.

[Paul]

thanks glenn, reminds me again that we are on both a journey inward and a jourmney outward...