Husbandry

Ok its meant to be funny but it's also the truth...

But the deeper truth is that we all have ideals about what a husband or indeed a wife should be, whether its our own expectation of how we should be be or what we assume our partner assumes them to be...

So its funny that there is no such thing as an ideal husband but at the same time we try and live up to that image - or is that just me?  I have thought maybe I need to relax a little bit and accept my imperfections.  Having just celebrated my 8th wedding anniversary and reflecting on those years I can see I am a lot better husband now then I was when I got married but I can also see a lot in me that could do with a tune up! Of course you might just want to check in with Debs before you take my word for growing as a husband but here are some of my thoughts on how I've got here:

• managing to survive - sometimes its just a case of hanging on!  Love suddenly is commitment and having to go through times where that commitments is seriously tried, stretched, strained etc... and being committed to staying married even when the D word has been thrown around at times we've been too stubborn to accept it!
• a sense of persepective - 8 yrs has given me a taste of bad times and good times, of ups and downs and seeing how our love has survived and grown...
• discovering that how I want to be loved is how I express my love and that is not necesserily how Debs needs to be loved - the whole 5 love languages thang has been immensely eye opening for me and allowed me to at least know how to love Debs in a way that means she feels loved and sometimes succeeding!
• honest communication - I admit I am crap with expressing things, particularly feelings but I've got to say that I have had to get a lot better.  I still have got a long way to go and this is perhaps my biggest challenge - getting some EQ and learning to speak truth from /with/in/through love. 
• Accepting what I can/can't change - it has come as something of a shock to me to realise that I spent probably the first 7 yrs of being married operating out of a mentality which was either love is about giving and getting or love is about me giving to get.  The 5 love languages helped, reading the book of Ephesians in the bible helped, the marriage course was a boost but actually trying to love it out - giving not getting was the proof!  Man it is tough and often I slip back into old habbits and ways, need God to help but at least that has given me a more helpful way of defining love... I can work on changing me and I can work on accepting who Debs is - infact most of my issues with Debs and have been just that my issues!
• facing my issues - yes marriage challenges me and forces me to face a lot of who I am - the question is do face the challenge  or do I resist.  Lets face it marriage challenges identioty, security, selfishness, motive and an honest loving wife knows me at my best and my worst.  Do I want to change or stay the same?  Marriage also gives a motive for change - because I want to be the best husband I can be where I am.  Change also takes time and involves pain.  I've also come to be grateful for Debs being there and some of the boundries that marriage is.  Rather than keep chaffing against them I am growing to actually appreciate that fact!
• seeing marriage as my numero uno calling - that is tough and brings conflict at times as there are plenty of other things I'd like to do and giving up on them is hard, reflecting on what I am doing and having to drop things or wait is hard, getting Debs honest feedback is even harder when I am neglecting the main mission - but for me that has shaped my priorities, my service, my time, my job - trying to make that my my marriage a priority and therefore Debs, as my wife, is the main focus. 
• investing in my marriage - doing things like the marriage course have been immenesly healthy - actually shining a light on how I am as a husband and listening to Debs views has been hard at times but man its been helpful! 
• having needs/feelings/thoughts are ok - learning how to express them, how to deal with frustations, how to avoid blame, guilt, manipulation etc these are mine and it is right, good and proper to share them, to try and learn to be naked emotionally and express who/where I am. 
• fight!  when things are going bad the temptation is to throw in the towel, give up, its not worth the grief - but I have always tried to go another round.  When things are going good its tempting to take foot off the gas and rest on laurels - to coast.  I have tried to fight even harder instead - to build on that base camp.  Doesn't mean it always works but as that great book wild at heart says women want to be fought for, to continually show they are worth us fighting for - woo... woo!
• grace - as a husband I have made virtually all the mistakes a husband can make.  I have screwed up, I have given up, I have hurt debs... If I carried around all that guilt and burden I'd never want to go on incase I did something worse! Fact is as a husband and as a human I will fail more often than I succeed... Grace allows me to go on...

Some good husband resources:

The generous husband - a daily email tip based each day on one of the 5 love languages plus one on sunday for shared spirituailiy - [inacase of bias there is is also a generous wife one as well - best to let your wife sign up for it on her own motiviation rather than signing her up for it :)!]